JOBS LOSS

The alleged death of Steve Jobs is an alleged national tragedy. Everyone, most especially Apple’s home page, is totally overwhelmed by the news that everyone saw coming that a guy you don’t know who has taken your money from your wallet and in return sold really well advertised arbage, is dead. (sorry, the G in my keyboard fell off)

I say “alleged death” because, lets face it, Steve Jobs did not die of cancer. He has more money than god (note: Has. Present tense) (Also note: not dead). You don’t think he could handle that shit? No. He’d get an iLiver. Or an iKidney. Or an iWhateverPartyOfHisBodyHadCancer.

Here’s what happened:

Steve, in his ailing health, spent all of his personal funds on charity building a machine that could house his consciousness for all eternity. Battlestar alactica style. Why do you think they couldn’t be bothered with an iPhone5? They were too busy making the App version of Steve Jobs. He’ll spread like Smith in the Matrix. Or like syphilis. Whatever floats your iBoat. Show up on all computers all at once and cut out the middle man of selling you shitty electronics that other people made better and actually invented first but forgot to put in fancy white boxes that say “made in California” even though they’re actually made by underfed Chinese ladies.

OK but lets take it at Apple’s word that Steve Jobs is dead. And lets put aside the fact that you know he is really just pulling a Tupac and is going to drop some of his greatest shit posthumously. And lets have a moment of reflection for the loss of Little Stevie.

After all, who will sell us overpriced basically useless shit now that Steve jobs is dead?

Oh, right, everybody else.

Never mind.