MICHAEL STEELE DECONSTRUCTS THE REPUBLICAN PLEDGE TO AMERICA, PART 1:
Don’t make me punch you in the face.
For those of you who have not downloaded, printed out and/or memorized our 45-page opus entitled Pledge to America (kind of like the Pledge of Allegiance, but with more references to God) - then WTF is wrong with you??
Sorry for the language. But you know me. When I get excited I’m like a fucking predator drone of F-Bombs. BTW, if you call me the Fucking Predator Drone, I will personally shake your hand and kiss your baby. Wherever you are.
Go to THIS website, and read along with your old pal Mikey Steele, while I explain to you exactly what we stand for. Because we’re not just the party of Graucho Marx, even though I do enjoy a good cigar (not as much as Bill Clinton - ZINGER!). We’re not the “Whatever it is, I’m against it” party. We BELIEVE in shit. Tons of it. I would almost be as bold to say that I am totally FULL of shit. Shit that you also believe in. So why don’t you cozy on up to your nearest fire, make sure you have plenty of Korans kindling, and lets kick it off with the introduction, so you can get a sense of the kinds of shit we believe in.
…(this is you reading)…
Okay. I’m sure you have questions because I know it’s a little confusing. But for the record – NO – this is not the same exact agenda that we’ve been pushing for the last 30 years. This agenda is totally different. Lets point out some important highlights:
America is more than a country.
That’s true, it’s also the name of a Johnny Cash album and the band that sings “Horse with No Name.” Only this horse does have a name. And it’s called America. Giddyup.
America is the belief that any man or woman can - given economic, political and religious liberty – advance themselves, their families, and the common good.
Okay a few notes.
Economic liberty does not include those below the poverty line, or quite frankly, anyone making less than 250K a year. Because those people are smelly and smelly people are NOT entitled to liberty. They are entitled to showers. In fact, go fuck yourself, you pay for your own showers.
Political liberty means that even if a political party is democratically elected into a majority of both houses of congress and the white house, anything they do should be considered tyrannical.
Religious liberty does not include those who are Muslim. Not crazy about the Jews either, but whatevs. Lieberman can stay.
An unchecked executive, a compliant legislature, and an overreached judiciary have combined to thwart the will of the people and overturn their votes and their values, striking down long-standing laws and institutions and scoring the deepest beliefs of the American people.
No, we are not talking about the first 6 years under President Bush. He struck down long-standing laws and institutions that NOBODY WANTED. This is the key difference. There is nothing wrong with watering down / ignoring the SEC, the Justice Department, the EPA, the MMA, the Clean Water Act, the Clean Air Act, the Geneva Conventions, the UN, the FDA, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Affirmative Action or FEMA. And when Dick Chaney maliciously blurred the line between the executive and legislative branches, that’s just good honest governance. Nothing wrong with being aggressive folks. That’s not what we’re talking about.
We’re talking about all the things that Obama and Pelosi struck down. Like old people, babies, rainbows and unicorns. When was the last time you saw a unicorn? I haven’t seen one since the Reagan administrations. Yes, I was on LSD, but I still think it’s too convenient to be a coincidence.
Things we are sick of:
“Rising joblessness, crushing debt, polarizing political climate.”
None of which can be blamed on us. We’ve just been sitting in the back of the class for the past decade just watching these problems mount and now we are ready to do something about it. Lets look at these individually:
Rising joblessness.
You point to one thing that the Democrats did to help the jobless? Other than extend unemployment benefits and pump 800 billion dollars into a depressed economy, most of which going to save jobs on state payrolls. Other than that, what have they done?
Exactly. Point: Mike Steele. Shabang.
Crushing debt.
Okay, there has been a lot of confusion on this issue, so lets take it head-on now.
There is good debt and there is bad debt.
Bad debt is when liberals try and save the economy. That is bad debt. You know why? Because the economy is like a drunk girl at a party. She wants you to pay attention to her. She takes her top off. And you can look, sure, but you don’t buy her a drink. Because that just encourages her behavior. And pretty soon you wake up the next morning and you’ve got scratch marks on your back and you stink like Kentucky Gentlemen and you’ve got 18 missed calls from your wife. And you KNOW that you are going to have to spend the weekend shopping for drapes instead of watching the Red Skin’s game to make up for it.
You should have just ignored the economy and spend the weekend how you wanted.
That’s bad debt.
Good debt is what happens when I can write off my summer home as a business expense. I like my summer home. So I’m willing to have the government go into a little bit of debt for that. Some debt is OK. Like dirt. You can get a little dirty, that’s fine, it can be fun. But there are limits. Bad debt is like playing in the mud. Like paying for Social Security. Isn’t Social Security just a few letters away from Socialism? Making sure that our elderly have a cushion on which they can fall when they are no longer able to work creates bad debt.
Another example: Good debt happens when you want to invade a country because it looked at you funny. Not because it attacked you or anything, it just looked at you funny. We can’t have that. Countries that look funny toward us. America is not just a place, Bucko! So stop looking at us funny!
Protecting America from being looked at funny begets Good Debt. Do you follow?
This really isn’t so difficult to understand, even for feeble-minded liberals this one should be easy.
Polarizing political environment.
If enacting more filibusters than any other Senate in American history can be considered a polarizing political environment. Than we are guilty as charged.
We pledge to honor the Constitution… particularly the 10th Amendment.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Tenth Amendment is by far the most underrated of all the underrated amendments. Devisable by two and five. First amendment of the double-digit variety. Good, solid Amendment.
Plus it guarantees that the federal government cannot overstep it’s boundaries. Anything beyond national defense, preserving freedom of speech, interstate trade, and, alright, pretty vaguely defined “liberty”, they need to keep their BIG FAT BUREAUCRATIC HANDS OFF MY (insert name of inalienable right here)!
Unless you’re talking about our “pledge to honor families, traditional marriage, life, and the private and faith-based organizations that form our American values.”
If you think that it might be a conflict of interest and a byproduct of us casting too wide a net - that you can’t possibly on one hand claim to be libertarian and on the other believe that the federal government should ban gay marriage, abortionand stem-cell research - well you’re wrong. Because I JUST DID.
…(this is you having your mind blown)…
You see, it’s pretty simple: If I disagree with something, the federal government should step in and get rid of it. If I agree with something, the federal government should KEEP THEIR BIG FAT BUREAUCRATIC HANDS OFF MY (insert name of inalienable right here)!
Or anyway that’s the introduction. As always, my name is Mike Steele, and if you disagree with that, I will punch you in the face. So watch how you go, America.
