November 5, 2010
OP ED: Michael Steele THAT IS HOW YOU GET IT DONE! To quote the bard Andre 3000, “Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright!” What did I fucking tell you? Did I call it or what? And that shit was a fucking YEAR ago! What are you going to say next time Mikey Steele tells you the Chiefs are going to cover the spread? What do you say next time Ol’ Mike sees his shadow and predicts three more weeks of winter? You are going to call your bookie and get a jacket, bitches, because we are in this for the long haul. How did we do it? How did we, the Grand Old Party, turn the infallible Barack Obama into a toddler who just had his sand castle knocked down? Well we’re actually less old than the other party, and that’s, really, a neat little example of the secret to our success: YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU’RE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS!!!! After the election of 2008 we were pretty fucking bummed, I tell you what. But then we came to a realization. It was me, Boner (we call him Boner. Well, I call him Boner. He totally hates it. Shit is funny, trust me.), I’m pretty sure McConnell was there pounding Odules like it’s grape juice (we make him drink Odules because you do NOT want to see McConnell when he’s drunk. Three words: Taylor. Swift. Karaoke.), and we said, “how do we stop this bitch?” And I’m pretty sure it was me who answered: “Hey guys, what if we didn’t bother with actually helping anyone govern? What if, instead of, like, fixing this shithole economy, participating in intelligent debates on health care, the national debt, foreign policy, all that garbage, we just go ape shit?” And McConnell, who I’m pretty sure was sprinkling exctacy into his non-alcoholic beer because he was licking my face at the time, asked: “But Mike, wont America be pissed off if we stand in the way of progress? Don’t we have to stand for something?” And I said, “Mitch, please stop hugging me.” And he did. And we did. And a few days later Boner made a power point presentation which went like this: “If the goal of the majority is to govern, what is the purpose of the minority?” one slide asked. “The purpose of the minority,” came the answer, “is to become the majority.” And that’s how you do it. But you can’t just say shit like “Our main objective is to reduce the deficit and cut taxes.” It’s total nonsense. But, can you scream it? Lets see:“OUR MAIN OBJECTIVE IS TO REDUCE THE DEFICIT AND CUT TAXES!!!!!!” What do you think? “WE WANT TO SAVE JOBS AND SLASH GOVERNMENT SPENDING!!” How do you argue when our logic is so clearly louder than your logic? Obama goes on TV and says, “Well, you see, I think this is a good bill because blah blah blah blah blah.” How on earth is he going to compete with us, who just have to fucking go ape shit? And the best part is, we’re not done yet. We are just two short years away from another election. And what are we going to do in that timespan? Do you expect us to play nice and use our inside voices now that we have a seat at the table? Two words: Fuck. No. We have not yet begun to go apeshit. You think you’ve seen apeshit? You have seen nothing, friends, nothing. Now begins the real crazy shit. We’re going to stop saying words pretty soon. We’re just going to go on Fox and scream at the top of our lungs: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”For fucking hours. Shit, I think I’ll just have my own show. “The Mike Steele Screams for a Fucking Half Hour Uninterrupted Program!” And just look deeply into the camera, and fucking whale my little black mustache off. You can not reason with the unreasonable, and that was Obama’s fatal mistake. Did he think we were just going to LET him build a legacy and save America from fiscal disaster that we made happen in the first place and get his face on the six dollar bill and a national holiday and high schools named after him? Hell no. What we were going to do is scream our fucking faces off until his stimulus was too small, his health bill commonly equated with Auschwitz, and the deficit and the economy was somehow, miraculously, his fault. And guess what? Three words: It. Fucking. Worked. Be prepared for an election cycle of increasing nonsense at increasing degrees of deafening loudness. Five words, scream it with me, America: I. CAN. NOT. FUCKING. WAIT.

OP ED: Michael Steele

THAT IS HOW YOU GET IT DONE!

To quote the bard Andre 3000, “Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright!”

What did I fucking tell you? Did I call it or what? And that shit was a fucking YEAR ago! What are you going to say next time Mikey Steele tells you the Chiefs are going to cover the spread? What do you say next time Ol’ Mike sees his shadow and predicts three more weeks of winter? You are going to call your bookie and get a jacket, bitches, because we are in this for the long haul.

How did we do it? How did we, the Grand Old Party, turn the infallible Barack Obama into a toddler who just had his sand castle knocked down? Well we’re actually less old than the other party, and that’s, really, a neat little example of the secret to our success: YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU’RE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS!!!!

After the election of 2008 we were pretty fucking bummed, I tell you what. But then we came to a realization. It was me, Boner (we call him Boner. Well, I call him Boner. He totally hates it. Shit is funny, trust me.), I’m pretty sure McConnell was there pounding Odules like it’s grape juice (we make him drink Odules because you do NOT want to see McConnell when he’s drunk. Three words: Taylor. Swift. Karaoke.), and we said, “how do we stop this bitch?” And I’m pretty sure it was me who answered:

“Hey guys, what if we didn’t bother with actually helping anyone govern? What if, instead of, like, fixing this shithole economy, participating in intelligent debates on health care, the national debt, foreign policy, all that garbage, we just go ape shit?”

And McConnell, who I’m pretty sure was sprinkling exctacy into his non-alcoholic beer because he was licking my face at the time, asked: “But Mike, wont America be pissed off if we stand in the way of progress? Don’t we have to stand for something?”

And I said, “Mitch, please stop hugging me.”

And he did. And we did. And a few days later Boner made a power point presentation which went like this:

“If the goal of the majority is to govern, what is the purpose of the minority?” one slide asked.

“The purpose of the minority,” came the answer, “is to become the majority.”

And that’s how you do it. But you can’t just say shit like “Our main objective is to reduce the deficit and cut taxes.” It’s total nonsense. But, can you scream it?

Lets see:
“OUR MAIN OBJECTIVE IS TO REDUCE THE DEFICIT AND CUT TAXES!!!!!!”

What do you think?

“WE WANT TO SAVE JOBS AND SLASH GOVERNMENT SPENDING!!”

How do you argue when our logic is so clearly louder than your logic? Obama goes on TV and says, “Well, you see, I think this is a good bill because blah blah blah blah blah.” How on earth is he going to compete with us, who just have to fucking go ape shit?

And the best part is, we’re not done yet.

We are just two short years away from another election. And what are we going to do in that timespan? Do you expect us to play nice and use our inside voices now that we have a seat at the table? Two words: Fuck. No.

We have not yet begun to go apeshit. You think you’ve seen apeshit? You have seen nothing, friends, nothing. Now begins the real crazy shit. We’re going to stop saying words pretty soon. We’re just going to go on Fox and scream at the top of our lungs:

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
For fucking hours.

Shit, I think I’ll just have my own show. “The Mike Steele Screams for a Fucking Half Hour Uninterrupted Program!” And just look deeply into the camera, and fucking whale my little black mustache off. You can not reason with the unreasonable, and that was Obama’s fatal mistake. Did he think we were just going to LET him build a legacy and save America from fiscal disaster that we made happen in the first place and get his face on the six dollar bill and a national holiday and high schools named after him? Hell no. What we were going to do is scream our fucking faces off until his stimulus was too small, his health bill commonly equated with Auschwitz, and the deficit and the economy was somehow, miraculously, his fault.

And guess what? Three words: It. Fucking. Worked.

Be prepared for an election cycle of increasing nonsense at increasing degrees of deafening loudness. Five words, scream it with me, America: I. CAN. NOT. FUCKING. WAIT.

11:44am  |   URL: http://todayinpictures.tumblr.com/post/1488413048/op-ed-michael-steele-that-is-how-you-get-it
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