September 16, 2009
ALIENS ABDUCT BEN BERNAKE TO BATTLE GALACTIC RESSESSION WASHINGTON – He has saved America, nay, the World, from a crippling recession with his amazing powers of interest rate reduction (POW!), federal bailouts (WHACK!), money printing (CHA-CHING!) and backing troubled assets (WHAMMY!), but now that our recession is coming to a stunning and dramatic conclusion, Ben Bernake’s talents are being tapped once again, this time by the Gr∆morni©ons, rulers of the Galactic Federation of Alien Planets, in order to stop a far more insidious recession: the Recession of Space. While vacationing in Aruba, sipping cocktails with his 19-year-old supermodel girlfriend, Mr Bernake thought that his troubles were behind him, that he could just sit back and watch GDP grow, unemployment shrink and wages go up, waiting for some other commodity to become hilariously overvalued and overleveraged so that the world may once again need his services. But in the middle of the night, while he was making sweet love to his young sultry lady, a deep humming began to sound in the sky, bright lights emitted above their heads, the roof of their hacienda disintegrated under the heat and Ben Bernake, martini glass in hand, began to float gently into the sky. “I cried, to be sure,” said Mr Bernake’s lover, Ramina Ranonanakov, “but he just floated there, upward toward the alien space craft and said ‘the universe needs me, babe, don’t wait up.’ And then, in he went.” It is unclear how exactly the Galactic Recession began, but by all indications it seems as though the Gr∆morni©ons have picked the right man for the job. Yet Ben Bernake is, in many ways, more than a man. He’s a fiery cybernetic love robot built to thaw credit freezes with one mischievous gaze, he is a post-partisan ubermensch with a dick as long as the galaxy is wide, ready to thrust all of his deep throbbing manhood into the gaps left by local government spending cuts, pump all of his steamy liquid assets all over the tits of troubled markets, exposing his private sector to all those who wish to bare it, which is everyone, because he, and only he, can carry the holy burden of being the Chief of the Federal Bank of the Galaxy, Master of the Monetary Policy of the Universe, Lord of Liquid, King of Cash, no bank to big to fail, no clunker too clunky to cash, no virgin will be unfouled. Hide your daughters, space, here comes… Ben Bernake.

ALIENS ABDUCT BEN BERNAKE TO BATTLE GALACTIC RESSESSION

WASHINGTON – He has saved America, nay, the World, from a crippling recession with his amazing powers of interest rate reduction (POW!), federal bailouts (WHACK!), money printing (CHA-CHING!) and backing troubled assets (WHAMMY!), but now that our recession is coming to a stunning and dramatic conclusion, Ben Bernake’s talents are being tapped once again, this time by the Gr∆morni©ons, rulers of the Galactic Federation of Alien Planets, in order to stop a far more insidious recession: the Recession of Space.

While vacationing in Aruba, sipping cocktails with his 19-year-old supermodel girlfriend, Mr Bernake thought that his troubles were behind him, that he could just sit back and watch GDP grow, unemployment shrink and wages go up, waiting for some other commodity to become hilariously overvalued and overleveraged so that the world may once again need his services. But in the middle of the night, while he was making sweet love to his young sultry lady, a deep humming began to sound in the sky, bright lights emitted above their heads, the roof of their hacienda disintegrated under the heat and Ben Bernake, martini glass in hand, began to float gently into the sky.

“I cried, to be sure,” said Mr Bernake’s lover, Ramina Ranonanakov, “but he just floated there, upward toward the alien space craft and said ‘the universe needs me, babe, don’t wait up.’ And then, in he went.”

It is unclear how exactly the Galactic Recession began, but by all indications it seems as though the Gr∆morni©ons have picked the right man for the job. Yet Ben Bernake is, in many ways, more than a man. He’s a fiery cybernetic love robot built to thaw credit freezes with one mischievous gaze, he is a post-partisan ubermensch with a dick as long as the galaxy is wide, ready to thrust all of his deep throbbing manhood into the gaps left by local government spending cuts, pump all of his steamy liquid assets all over the tits of troubled markets, exposing his private sector to all those who wish to bare it, which is everyone, because he, and only he, can carry the holy burden of being the Chief of the Federal Bank of the Galaxy, Master of the Monetary Policy of the Universe, Lord of Liquid, King of Cash, no bank to big to fail, no clunker too clunky to cash, no virgin will be unfouled. Hide your daughters, space, here comes… Ben Bernake.

10:37am  |   URL: http://todayinpictures.tumblr.com/post/189396057/aliens-abduct-ben-bernake-to-battle-galactic
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