September 22, 2009
CAPITALISM COMES WITH BOOB JOKES MELONS HAVE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT CONCERNED MOSCOW – Twenty years after the fall of the Soviet Union, Russia is getting a taste of some of capitalism’s dangers. Although the government of Vladimir Putin has done a stellar job of limiting freedoms of speech, assembly, democracy and foreign investment, the issue of dirty jokes and naughty innuendo has thus far eluded this nation of otherwise strict control. Take melons, for example. During the Cold War days, the soviet government would collect the rich, busty fruits as they ripened, “for the good of the state.” Growers believed that the melons were being redistributed to regions with poorer agricultural capacity, oblivious to the fact that they were simply being discarded for being too similar to naughty-bits to pass the strict rules of the USSR’s innuendo policy. “Back in the good old days, we had a list of food products that were not allowed to be displayed in shops for fear of tasteless prop comedy.” Said one former KGB officer who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter. “No bananas, plantains, zucchinis, cucumbers, pickles, carrots or sausages. You don’t want people walking through the market saying, you know, ‘Hey, look at that thing, that reminds me of a penis, isn’t that funny?’ You can’t have that. Workers talking about penises, making penis jokes, pretending to stroke them, waving them around, sticking them through the zippers of their pants saying ‘Hey look at my big green dick!’ They are unproductive, not good for the state, not good for anyone. Same goes with boob-like things. Hence the strict melon-control policies of the 1970s. Also, all chicken breasts were discarded in the slaughterhouse. Could you imagine a dinner table like ‘Hey Mom, pass the breast? ’ That’s just inviting some kind of titillating wise-crack. Unproductive. Ungood.” But now that Russia has joined the rank’s of on-paper-democracies, the government has little choice but to allow such sexually explicit farmed goods to make it into the markets, bazaars and neighborhood grocers, regardless of the sexual content. And as experts have predicted, the dick and boob jokes have followed, to much fanfare. “It was so funny!” Said one Russian boob-joke enthusiast, “my friend Alexei held two watermelons up to his chest like they were boobs! What a clever guy! I never knew there was such potential for comedy here in the market! I love Capitalism, it’s so much naughtier than the other one.” The government’s Office of Dirty Joke Limitation has openly considered a rating system similar to those on movies and video games. Melons, for example, would be rated ‘B’ for Boobs, while iPhones would be rated ‘V’ for the vaginal nature of it’s interface, particularly when zooming in on a picture or map. “This way,” a spokesmen for the department said, “parents can know the possible innuendo involved in what they are purchasing. You might want to think twice before bringing that cantaloupe home to your children, for example. Not only could they pretend that it’s a boob, which is bad enough, but they could also easily drill a small hole into the rind and have dirty sex with it. It’s actually surprisingly realistic. Especially if you put it in the microwave for about 80 seconds beforehand. Plus, you can  just fire away right inside the thing so there’s no need for cleanup. It’s pretty great.”

CAPITALISM COMES WITH BOOB JOKES

MELONS HAVE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT CONCERNED

MOSCOW – Twenty years after the fall of the Soviet Union, Russia is getting a taste of some of capitalism’s dangers. Although the government of Vladimir Putin has done a stellar job of limiting freedoms of speech, assembly, democracy and foreign investment, the issue of dirty jokes and naughty innuendo has thus far eluded this nation of otherwise strict control.

Take melons, for example. During the Cold War days, the soviet government would collect the rich, busty fruits as they ripened, “for the good of the state.” Growers believed that the melons were being redistributed to regions with poorer agricultural capacity, oblivious to the fact that they were simply being discarded for being too similar to naughty-bits to pass the strict rules of the USSR’s innuendo policy.

“Back in the good old days, we had a list of food products that were not allowed to be displayed in shops for fear of tasteless prop comedy.” Said one former KGB officer who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter. “No bananas, plantains, zucchinis, cucumbers, pickles, carrots or sausages. You don’t want people walking through the market saying, you know, ‘Hey, look at that thing, that reminds me of a penis, isn’t that funny?’ You can’t have that. Workers talking about penises, making penis jokes, pretending to stroke them, waving them around, sticking them through the zippers of their pants saying ‘Hey look at my big green dick!’ They are unproductive, not good for the state, not good for anyone. Same goes with boob-like things. Hence the strict melon-control policies of the 1970s. Also, all chicken breasts were discarded in the slaughterhouse. Could you imagine a dinner table like ‘Hey Mom, pass the breast? ’ That’s just inviting some kind of titillating wise-crack. Unproductive. Ungood.”

But now that Russia has joined the rank’s of on-paper-democracies, the government has little choice but to allow such sexually explicit farmed goods to make it into the markets, bazaars and neighborhood grocers, regardless of the sexual content. And as experts have predicted, the dick and boob jokes have followed, to much fanfare.

“It was so funny!” Said one Russian boob-joke enthusiast, “my friend Alexei held two watermelons up to his chest like they were boobs! What a clever guy! I never knew there was such potential for comedy here in the market! I love Capitalism, it’s so much naughtier than the other one.”

The government’s Office of Dirty Joke Limitation has openly considered a rating system similar to those on movies and video games. Melons, for example, would be rated ‘B’ for Boobs, while iPhones would be rated ‘V’ for the vaginal nature of it’s interface, particularly when zooming in on a picture or map. “This way,” a spokesmen for the department said, “parents can know the possible innuendo involved in what they are purchasing. You might want to think twice before bringing that cantaloupe home to your children, for example. Not only could they pretend that it’s a boob, which is bad enough, but they could also easily drill a small hole into the rind and have dirty sex with it. It’s actually surprisingly realistic. Especially if you put it in the microwave for about 80 seconds beforehand. Plus, you can  just fire away right inside the thing so there’s no need for cleanup. It’s pretty great.”

11:29am  |   URL: http://todayinpictures.tumblr.com/post/194216106/capitalism-comes-with-boob-jokes-melons-have
Comments (View)
blog comments powered by Disqus