DISGRUNTLED OLD WOMAN HATES INFORMATION

NEW YORK – Voter turnout in New York City’s Democratic Primary runoff dropped to historic lows this year, and although it’s tempting to blame New York’s idiotic political system and even more idiotic electorate, recent reports have highlighted that the real reason for the unenthusiastic turnout is an old lady by the name of Gertrude Goldenblater (above), poll station worker.

“This job fucking sucks,” said Mrs Goldenblater while drinking weak tea and eating hard biscuits, “nobody even knows what a Comptroller does. It sounds made up. And when people ask me about it, I tell them so. I say ‘voting is for dickless pansies, and voting for Comptrollers is for even more dickless pansies. And if you don’t know how somebody who’s already dickless can be even more dickless, just come sashay on over here and I’ll show you. With my teeth.’ ”

Mrs Goldenblater is one of hundreds of workers citywide who hang around polling stations filing their nails, smelling like mothballs and exuding an air of unpleasantness and dismay. Many of the voters who turned out for the Democratic Primaries a week prior came away with bitter memories of Mrs Goldenblater and her distain for information.

“I asked her if this was the proper polling station for my address, and she spit in my eye and told me that she’d take a shit on my dog,” said one confused voter, “and I don’t even have a dog.” When asked if he voted in the runoff the following week, he replied, “and have to confront that miserable old woman and her miserable old friends again? Hell no. I don’t give a shit who becomes Comptroller. I don’t even really understand what that is.”

When told that the city spent 1.5 million dollars on a runoff primary election that only 2% of registered Democrats voted in, Mrs Goldenblater simply emptied her colostomy bag all over my new shoes and told me to be careful where I point my fancy statistics. When asked if that was a threat, she promptly shot me in the face.