October 9, 2009
OPINION: MICHAEL STEELE YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THIS ADORABLE PUPPY THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE I woke up this morning expecting yet another day of prematurely judging all of Barak Obama’s policies as monumental failures, and discovered something that made me so mad I broke another one of my little stressy-balls (did you know they are filled with corn syrup? Makes a terrible mess. I suggest you avoid watching CNN with one in hand). What I discovered this morning was that those idiots in Oslo are prematurely judging Obama’s efforts as successes. This is a type of judgmental prematurity that the American people should not stand for. Judging things prematurely is our job, and we do it in ten words or less. Health Care? A slippery slope to Socialism. (5 words) Stimulus? 10% unemployment. (2-ish words) Strategy in Afghanistan? Pussy move.  (I could do this all day. In fact, I do.) Does it matter that we were the ones who watered down the Stimulus until it was mathematically impossible to usher in a full recovery? Does it matter that a Health Care Bill or Strategy in Afghanistan don’t even actually exist yet? Of course not! This is politics, mister! There is no room for reason in politics. If the debate were reasonable we’d never win the thing. So that’s me, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, in a nutshell. I’m Mike, pleased to meet you… But this isn’t about me. This is about Obama and the Nobel Peace Prize. How in the world can you judge a guy for something he hasn’t done yet when you are not a member of the Republican party, and then have the audacity to use more than 10 words in doing so? There is no world peace! The Nobel Peace Prize should be about tangible results. Like even when Al Gore won the prize in 2007 for his work on ending global warming, at least he accomplished something. Global warming is over! Hello! It’s pretty chilly outside here in Washington, in case you didn’t realize. Problem solved, Nobel Awarded, on to the next challenge. And these Oslo fuckers have got the ball sack to award the Peace Prize to a guy who hasn’t even achieved world peace? Wake up! The Israeli’s and Palestinians still hate each other! We’ve still got two wars going on! Has everybody gone mental? Where the fuck is my stress ball? Fuck it. I’m just going to pour some corn syrup into a burlap bag and dry hump it… Sorry about that. I have a dog. Maybe you don’t know that about me. His name is Reagan. Reagan the dog. Reagan and I are great friends, but in all honesty, he hasn’t accomplished much. He can’t do very many tricks, he only shits where he’s supposed to about 30% of the time and he barks at guests when they arrive with big hats on (they spook him). Barak Obama has done about as much to promote world peace as my dog Reagan has. Lets run through the list of things Obama has “done” to “promote” “world” “peace”: Began troop withdrawal and the end to the War in Iraq? Big whoop. Ordered a close to the detention center at Guantanamo Bay? Fuck that. Established legitimate ties with world leaders who had traditionally been skeptical of American Presidents and interests, most notably President Abbas of the West Bank? Please, I could do that for breakfast. Using diplomacy and direct dialogue to achieve the first concrete step in dismantling Iran’s nuclear program? Everybody does that. That’s one of those things that everybody does at some point in their lives. Like a rite of passage. Successfully lobbied Chinese and Russian governments to pass strong sanctions against North Korea which is now leading the North back to the negotiating table? I could do that. In fact, I did. Yesterday. Calling an end to the aggressive and unnecessary ‘defense shield’ in Poland, proving to Russia that America’s intentions are peaceful and leading to the warmest relationship with its old foe in over a decade? Child’s play. Bringing potentially powerful international peacekeeping bodies, such as the United Nations and NATO, back into legitimacy after eight years of America completely ignoring their wishes and diminishing their potency to fulfill their charters of holding nations accountable for refusing to engage the world peacefully? I’m sorry, I missed that last one, I was too busy not giving a shit. Reversing a decades-old unsuccessful policy in Myanmar? Myanwhat? It’s called Burma. It’s called Burma or my name is not Mike Steele. (and it is, fyi). Inspiring billions across the globe that there are those in power who care about peace, that want to see society flourish, who believe human rights should be held above the interests of any one nation, that every human being, despite the color of their skin, has the ability to profoundly change the world? What do you want, a medal? Well, now you got one, buck-o. Are you getting the picture here? Obama has done absolutely nothing since becoming president aside from give a bunch of big fancy speeches and hope for change. Well I’m Mike Steele damn it: I hate change and I have no hope. We should give the Nobel Peace Prize to somebody who really deserves it. Like Henry Kissinger… What? He’s already got one? Well that’s great! That man at least did something… Well then if not him, I’m sure there’s some hippy in Africa who’s trying to cure Aids or some such nonsense that is looking at this thing like ‘hey, WTF? What the hell has that guy done?’ And me, Mike Steele, I stand with that hippy. And with hippys everywhere, or with anyone who’ll vote with us in 2010. And trust me, we’ll say whatever we need to make you vote for us, no matter how ridiculous. And to that, my friends, I give the Mike Steele guarantee.

OPINION: MICHAEL STEELE

YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THIS ADORABLE PUPPY THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

I woke up this morning expecting yet another day of prematurely judging all of Barak Obama’s policies as monumental failures, and discovered something that made me so mad I broke another one of my little stressy-balls (did you know they are filled with corn syrup? Makes a terrible mess. I suggest you avoid watching CNN with one in hand). What I discovered this morning was that those idiots in Oslo are prematurely judging Obama’s efforts as successes. This is a type of judgmental prematurity that the American people should not stand for.

Judging things prematurely is our job, and we do it in ten words or less.

Health Care? A slippery slope to Socialism. (5 words)

Stimulus? 10% unemployment. (2-ish words)

Strategy in Afghanistan? Pussy move.  (I could do this all day. In fact, I do.)

Does it matter that we were the ones who watered down the Stimulus until it was mathematically impossible to usher in a full recovery? Does it matter that a Health Care Bill or Strategy in Afghanistan don’t even actually exist yet? Of course not! This is politics, mister! There is no room for reason in politics. If the debate were reasonable we’d never win the thing. So that’s me, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, in a nutshell. I’m Mike, pleased to meet you…

But this isn’t about me. This is about Obama and the Nobel Peace Prize.

How in the world can you judge a guy for something he hasn’t done yet when you are not a member of the Republican party, and then have the audacity to use more than 10 words in doing so? There is no world peace! The Nobel Peace Prize should be about tangible results. Like even when Al Gore won the prize in 2007 for his work on ending global warming, at least he accomplished something. Global warming is over! Hello! It’s pretty chilly outside here in Washington, in case you didn’t realize. Problem solved, Nobel Awarded, on to the next challenge. And these Oslo fuckers have got the ball sack to award the Peace Prize to a guy who hasn’t even achieved world peace? Wake up! The Israeli’s and Palestinians still hate each other! We’ve still got two wars going on! Has everybody gone mental? Where the fuck is my stress ball? Fuck it. I’m just going to pour some corn syrup into a burlap bag and dry hump it…

Sorry about that. I have a dog. Maybe you don’t know that about me. His name is Reagan. Reagan the dog. Reagan and I are great friends, but in all honesty, he hasn’t accomplished much. He can’t do very many tricks, he only shits where he’s supposed to about 30% of the time and he barks at guests when they arrive with big hats on (they spook him). Barak Obama has done about as much to promote world peace as my dog Reagan has.

Lets run through the list of things Obama has “done” to “promote” “world” “peace”:

Began troop withdrawal and the end to the War in Iraq? Big whoop.

Ordered a close to the detention center at Guantanamo Bay? Fuck that.

Established legitimate ties with world leaders who had traditionally been skeptical of American Presidents and interests, most notably President Abbas of the West Bank? Please, I could do that for breakfast.

Using diplomacy and direct dialogue to achieve the first concrete step in dismantling Iran’s nuclear program? Everybody does that. That’s one of those things that everybody does at some point in their lives. Like a rite of passage.

Successfully lobbied Chinese and Russian governments to pass strong sanctions against North Korea which is now leading the North back to the negotiating table? I could do that. In fact, I did. Yesterday.

Calling an end to the aggressive and unnecessary ‘defense shield’ in Poland, proving to Russia that America’s intentions are peaceful and leading to the warmest relationship with its old foe in over a decade? Child’s play.

Bringing potentially powerful international peacekeeping bodies, such as the United Nations and NATO, back into legitimacy after eight years of America completely ignoring their wishes and diminishing their potency to fulfill their charters of holding nations accountable for refusing to engage the world peacefully? I’m sorry, I missed that last one, I was too busy not giving a shit.

Reversing a decades-old unsuccessful policy in Myanmar? Myanwhat? It’s called Burma. It’s called Burma or my name is not Mike Steele. (and it is, fyi).

Inspiring billions across the globe that there are those in power who care about peace, that want to see society flourish, who believe human rights should be held above the interests of any one nation, that every human being, despite the color of their skin, has the ability to profoundly change the world? What do you want, a medal? Well, now you got one, buck-o.

Are you getting the picture here? Obama has done absolutely nothing since becoming president aside from give a bunch of big fancy speeches and hope for change. Well I’m Mike Steele damn it: I hate change and I have no hope. We should give the Nobel Peace Prize to somebody who really deserves it. Like Henry Kissinger… What? He’s already got one? Well that’s great! That man at least did something… Well then if not him, I’m sure there’s some hippy in Africa who’s trying to cure Aids or some such nonsense that is looking at this thing like ‘hey, WTF? What the hell has that guy done?’ And me, Mike Steele, I stand with that hippy. And with hippys everywhere, or with anyone who’ll vote with us in 2010. And trust me, we’ll say whatever we need to make you vote for us, no matter how ridiculous.

And to that, my friends, I give the Mike Steele guarantee.

2:43pm  |   URL: http://todayinpictures.tumblr.com/post/208593372/opinion-michael-steele-you-might-as-well-give
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