October 15, 2009
DOW JONES CURES ALL DISEASES AND GIVES BIRTH TO THE SON OF GOD: JESUS 2 NEW YORK – In a stunning reminder of what the market can do on a good day, when big banks are again reporting huge profits and everybody on Wall Street agrees that its time to hunker down, stop messing around, and make obscene amounts of money again, the Down Jones Industrial Average performed several miracles throughout the day on Wednesday including but not limited to parting the Red Sea, Curing Malaria and reaching the 10,000 point mark. There are several reasons for the Dow’s dramatic ascent to power and excellence, though the clearest effect is, as with all forces of such mystical glory: Faith. “We had a bad year, just like everybody else, I for one was planning on going to Greater Caymans, but I instead had to go to Lesser Caymans. We all had to cut back,” said my Uncle Pennybags, “but the difference between us and the rest of the economy is that we don’t actually do anything. Our gains are not tied to production, not tied to consumers, not tied to unemployment, even though we like to pretend it is. All we have to do is believe. We have to get down on our knees and say ‘Oh Mighty Stock Exchange, we believe that you are so huge and worth so much money, and we are here, mere fleas on your back, at your mercy.’ And when we all do that together, magically, it gets points, and then we’re all rich. All hail the Market!” Investment Bankers are hoping that all of the recent miracles being performed by the Dow Jones will help change America’s perceptions that whether or not the Stock Market performs well, everybody else somehow gets screwed. Only time can tell, but as long as the Dow continues ending global draught, smiting evil-doers in their sleep and giving out free pizza on Tuesdays, it may well end the average man’s doubts. “As long as we keep giving it money, the Dow will keep scoring points, and then it will continue to pay us all healthy dividends and I can finally get that new yacht I’ve had my eye on all afternoon,” said Mr. Pennybags, referring to the fact that, much like a video game, the Stock Exchange runs on a system of Points. And much like a video game, you can keep on beating your old high score but when it’s Game Over, somebody’s got to lend you a quarter so you can play again. And no, nobody ever gets their quarter back.

DOW JONES CURES ALL DISEASES

AND GIVES BIRTH TO THE SON OF GOD: JESUS 2

NEW YORK – In a stunning reminder of what the market can do on a good day, when big banks are again reporting huge profits and everybody on Wall Street agrees that its time to hunker down, stop messing around, and make obscene amounts of money again, the Down Jones Industrial Average performed several miracles throughout the day on Wednesday including but not limited to parting the Red Sea, Curing Malaria and reaching the 10,000 point mark.

There are several reasons for the Dow’s dramatic ascent to power and excellence, though the clearest effect is, as with all forces of such mystical glory: Faith. “We had a bad year, just like everybody else, I for one was planning on going to Greater Caymans, but I instead had to go to Lesser Caymans. We all had to cut back,” said my Uncle Pennybags, “but the difference between us and the rest of the economy is that we don’t actually do anything. Our gains are not tied to production, not tied to consumers, not tied to unemployment, even though we like to pretend it is. All we have to do is believe. We have to get down on our knees and say ‘Oh Mighty Stock Exchange, we believe that you are so huge and worth so much money, and we are here, mere fleas on your back, at your mercy.’ And when we all do that together, magically, it gets points, and then we’re all rich. All hail the Market!”

Investment Bankers are hoping that all of the recent miracles being performed by the Dow Jones will help change America’s perceptions that whether or not the Stock Market performs well, everybody else somehow gets screwed. Only time can tell, but as long as the Dow continues ending global draught, smiting evil-doers in their sleep and giving out free pizza on Tuesdays, it may well end the average man’s doubts.

“As long as we keep giving it money, the Dow will keep scoring points, and then it will continue to pay us all healthy dividends and I can finally get that new yacht I’ve had my eye on all afternoon,” said Mr. Pennybags, referring to the fact that, much like a video game, the Stock Exchange runs on a system of Points. And much like a video game, you can keep on beating your old high score but when it’s Game Over, somebody’s got to lend you a quarter so you can play again.

And no, nobody ever gets their quarter back.

10:39am  |   URL: http://todayinpictures.tumblr.com/post/213795102/dow-jones-cures-all-diseases-and-gives-birth-to
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