BANKER-ZOMBIES INVADE BUBBLE FACTORY
ALSO, THEY’RE A LITTLE BLURRY
NEW YORK – Scoffing at the usual zombie cuisine of brains and flesh, a new breed of un-dead, risen from the graves of fallen financials, have begun craving a far more elusive substance: bubbles – delicious, delicious bubbles. The invasion has Wall Street, Bubble-Makers and Bubble-Enthusiasts in a panic, though there are various conflicting views as to how, exactly, to deal with the situation.
Speaking before the congressional Zombie Affairs Committee, former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan elaborated on his view of how to contain the panic. “This one is easy,” Mr. Greenspan said in a prepared statement, “all we need to do is make more bubbles. Bubbles are easy to make, really, they’re just air and some soap. And I suggest we make super duper big bubbles, this way the zombies can properly engorge themselves and stay out of our hair.”
Adorable Representative Barney Frank blasted Mr. Greenspan’s proposal. “Listening to Alan Greenspan’s plan is like listening to a dining room table: a bunch of nonsense. Keep in mind I got my dining room table at Ikea so it only speaks Swedish. Very difficult to converse with. But that’s beside the point,” he went on, “point is, the plan we’re being presented is simple placation. We need to not continue feeding this behavior, or these zombies, we need to starve them of their bubbles and allow Will Smith to do the job the American Public appointed him to do: kill zombies.”
Mr. Franks plan might not be executed quite so easily. A spokesman for Will Smith has expressed reluctance in solving this most recent zombie crises with violence, citing that perhaps the zombies can be dealt with peacefully. “Mr. Smith believes he can reconcile with the zombies. Because zombies are people too. Plus, he’s super busy fighting aliens this week… And donating his heart to Rosario Dawson… Did you see that movie? It was terrible…”
Meanwhile, President Obama has expressed hope that this situation will be dealt with by the end of the year, despite a hefty legislative agenda and a powerful Zombie Lobby, determined to destroy or dilute any anti-Zombie legislation.
Joe Lieberman, firmly aligned with the Republican Party in the pro-Zombie camp, made an impassioned speech before the committee stating that “these blurry zombies are good for our economy: Bubble-formula stocks has gone up five-fold since the epidemic began, companies that produce those little plastic sticks with the circles on the end have shown record profits, and I personally have had my campaign donated to hundreds of times. It would be fiscally irresponsible to try and fight these zombies in this climate. I say ‘Let The Zombies Stay!’” He said reiterating a tagline that has made its way to television ads airing all over national television, paid for by the Republican National Committee and the Americans For Freedom & Zombies Coalition.
“While Congress deliberates, these zombies are only multiplying,” said Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner. “What we need to do is act. We need a dozen or so watered-down half-measures that’ll never satisfy conservatives because the Zombie Money is more important to them than their own constituents, who are obviously about as intelligent as Barney Frank’s dinning room table, and so whatever we do will morph into little more than a mechanism for sweeping this problem under the rug… That,” he said, “is the way this town operates.”
Woody Harrelson was not available for comment.
