November 4, 2009
OP-ED CONTRIBUTER: MICHAEL STEELE “GOOD THING THIS PODIUM IS HERE OR ELSE YOU’D ALL HAVE TO LOOK AT MY HUGE BONER” OboyOboyOboyOboy! We did it! We’re back! Like I said today in my press conference whilst sporting wood like an 18 year old at prom, “the Republican renaissance has begun.” Only it wont be like that other renaissance where there’s science and art. The Republican Renaissance is going to be about legally mandating Christian morals, totally ignoring scientific fact and no more handouts to the fucking poor! They are poor for a reason! Because they’re Mexican! And I know what you’re thinking- ‘Hey Mike, that sounds a lot like the exact opposite of the Renaissance.’ Well WAKE UP, America, it isn’t. It’s great! Why would you try and ruin this for me? I’ve got to keep this erection going all afternoon because, if I can be frank here for a second, my wife has not seen anything like this since college. Before I knew her. When she was gang-banged by thirteen frat guys. I’ve seen the pictures, okay? They were impressive. But this son-of-a-bitch ranks at a solid #14. Anyway, keep focus Steele ol’ boy. Election Day 2009. It’s behind us and I do declare that I like what I see. Two big races in Virginia and New Jersey point to an inevitable conclusion: Republicans are back. We are going to sweep the 2010 elections, and then Obama will be powerless. We’ll be locked in gridlock so hard not even an ambulance will be able to get through. You thought it was bad in ’94? Haha, how quaint! And then in 2012, guess what? You know what. I don’t even want to say it or else I’m going to jizz all over this bald eagle insignia. (Ironic Mike Steele Funfact: My Penis is named The Bald Eagle). (Obvious reasons). Some might be asking: “Hey Mike, watch out, I think you might be getting too excited.” And to that I say: What are you trying to do to me? Make me cry? Americans are about to be able to afford their own health insurance! We are talking to Iran! Cap & Trade! Cap & Trade! There isn’t much to get excited about these days so let me enjoy my little victories. We won a gubernatorial race in New Jersey against an incompetent candidate who was in the middle of some of the worst corruption in recent American history, barring Blagojevich, which I think should go without saying. And Virginia, they voted for Obama in the presidential election, that means that if they were happy about it they’d vote for a democrat in this election. That is how it always works! It’s like what happened in California. They voted for a Republican Governor six years ago, just before California replaced all of its Senators and Congresspeople with die-hard right-wingers. Textbook. New York! Another great example. They used to be a bunch of liberal pansies, but then they got their fucking shit together, elected a Republican Governor and then look at what happened! I’m being told by my fact-checkers that these previous statements may come off as sarcastic because California and New York are still two of the most liberal states in the country and have not had republican senators in generations. But whatever, you get the point, right? Governors are bellwethers. And if you try and disagree with me I swear to God I will put my fingers in my ears and go LALALALALALALALA so loud you’ll forget what you were talking about. If this shit doesn’t reflect the mood of the entire country and our shots for 2010 and Americans being sick and tired of all of this deficit spending liberal ass-fucking nonsense but instead the minutiae of local politics and personalities, my name is not Mike Steele. Which HEY, believe me- it is. Please, read into this as much as you possibly can. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about overstating victory it’s this: When I do it, I get erections.

OP-ED CONTRIBUTER: MICHAEL STEELE

“GOOD THING THIS PODIUM IS HERE OR ELSE YOU’D ALL HAVE TO LOOK AT MY HUGE BONER”

OboyOboyOboyOboy! We did it! We’re back!

Like I said today in my press conference whilst sporting wood like an 18 year old at prom, “the Republican renaissance has begun.” Only it wont be like that other renaissance where there’s science and art. The Republican Renaissance is going to be about legally mandating Christian morals, totally ignoring scientific fact and no more handouts to the fucking poor! They are poor for a reason! Because they’re Mexican! And I know what you’re thinking- ‘Hey Mike, that sounds a lot like the exact opposite of the Renaissance.’ Well WAKE UP, America, it isn’t. It’s great! Why would you try and ruin this for me? I’ve got to keep this erection going all afternoon because, if I can be frank here for a second, my wife has not seen anything like this since college. Before I knew her. When she was gang-banged by thirteen frat guys. I’ve seen the pictures, okay? They were impressive. But this son-of-a-bitch ranks at a solid #14.

Anyway, keep focus Steele ol’ boy. Election Day 2009. It’s behind us and I do declare that I like what I see.

Two big races in Virginia and New Jersey point to an inevitable conclusion: Republicans are back. We are going to sweep the 2010 elections, and then Obama will be powerless. We’ll be locked in gridlock so hard not even an ambulance will be able to get through. You thought it was bad in ’94? Haha, how quaint! And then in 2012, guess what? You know what. I don’t even want to say it or else I’m going to jizz all over this bald eagle insignia. (Ironic Mike Steele Funfact: My Penis is named The Bald Eagle). (Obvious reasons).

Some might be asking: “Hey Mike, watch out, I think you might be getting too excited.” And to that I say:

What are you trying to do to me? Make me cry? Americans are about to be able to afford their own health insurance! We are talking to Iran! Cap & Trade! Cap & Trade! There isn’t much to get excited about these days so let me enjoy my little victories.

We won a gubernatorial race in New Jersey against an incompetent candidate who was in the middle of some of the worst corruption in recent American history, barring Blagojevich, which I think should go without saying. And Virginia, they voted for Obama in the presidential election, that means that if they were happy about it they’d vote for a democrat in this election. That is how it always works! It’s like what happened in California. They voted for a Republican Governor six years ago, just before California replaced all of its Senators and Congresspeople with die-hard right-wingers. Textbook. New York! Another great example. They used to be a bunch of liberal pansies, but then they got their fucking shit together, elected a Republican Governor and then look at what happened!

I’m being told by my fact-checkers that these previous statements may come off as sarcastic because California and New York are still two of the most liberal states in the country and have not had republican senators in generations. But whatever, you get the point, right? Governors are bellwethers. And if you try and disagree with me I swear to God I will put my fingers in my ears and go LALALALALALALALA so loud you’ll forget what you were talking about.

If this shit doesn’t reflect the mood of the entire country and our shots for 2010 and Americans being sick and tired of all of this deficit spending liberal ass-fucking nonsense but instead the minutiae of local politics and personalities, my name is not Mike Steele. Which HEY, believe me- it is.

Please, read into this as much as you possibly can. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about overstating victory it’s this: When I do it, I get erections.

6:21pm  |   URL: http://todayinpictures.tumblr.com/post/233292304/op-ed-contributer-michael-steele-good-thing
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