MAGICAL BOY WHO CAN LEVITATE BALLS TO DEPLOY TO AFGHANISTAN

WASHINGTON – As part of an evolving, comprehensive strategy to address the needs of the Afghan War, the President on Monday announced the newest addition to the American Military.

“I would like to present to you all a very special boy, whose magical abilities have confounded my newly appointed Magic Czar, stupefied magic-enthusiast Joe Biden and reportedly made Hillary Clinton’s dick hard,” Mr. Obama said in a press conference to thunderous applause as the boy, Vermin Fauntleroy McCleevus, entered the stage, busting with nervous pubescent energy.

Vermin Fauntleroy McCleevus made news in 1993 when, as an infant, his parents were murdered by Osama Bin Laden in the first world trade center attack, leaving a twin-tower shaped scar on the boy’s forehead. The boy was credited as foiling Mr. Bin Laden’s plot and, some believe, gained a psychic link with the Dark Lord that may lead the American Military to his hideout, where he is no doubt plotting for a grand return (although, spoiler alert, it’ll be kind of gay).

“Plus,” said the president, “he is wicked good at Quiddage.”

President Obama also announced that he will make a speech in the coming weeks that will outline the rest of his strategy in Afghanistan, but that Mr. McCleevus will play a “central roll.”

Professor Severus Snape, in his new show on Fox News, Snape & Friends, said that the move would only “embolden the enemy, add to the deficit, kill jobs, offend the families of 9/11 survivors, enact socialism, enact fascism and, um… are we staying on message? Can I go now?”