Okay lets try this again. Too much silly shit has been happening out there in the world and Today In Pictures has been missing out on the fun.
I will try and be better this time around, with more frequent postings. But I believe it was the Gin Blossoms who said it best: “If you don’t expect too much from me, I might not let you down.”
Here is all the fun and good times we missed:
-Gay people are now allowed to pointlessly die overseas like the rest of us.
-Republicans held the government hostage and forced democrats to cut billions of dollars from the budget and claimed that it would be good for the economy. Everyone seemed to be OK with this.
-Michael Steele was removed from his post as the head of the RNC. Reince Priebus has thusfar not lived up to the comedy potential of either his predecessor or his silly name.
-Some guy in Tunisia was selling fruit one day and decided his life sucked so he lit himself on fire and became such an inspiration to his countrymen that it sparked a revolution that engulfed it’s neighbors, unseated the government of Egypt, ignited civil war in Lybia and stirred unrest in Yemin, Syria, Jordan and Bahrain. Which teaches an important lesson to our youth: if you are having a bad day, the best thing to do is to light yourself on fire.
-The Republican-controlled Wisconsin legislature passed a bill banning unions from… unifying.
-Japan is at the bottom of the ocean. Presumably living next door to Spounge Bob.
-Related: Sponge Bob now has thyroid cancer.
-That crazy guy who said he was going to burn a bunch of Korans in Florida eventually did burn a bunch of Korans in Florida. UN workers were killed in retaliation. Who knew that desecrating someone’s holy book while your country is accidentally bombing members of their family would piss them off? The universe works in mysterious ways.
-Elizabeth Taylor died. Only women and gay men gave a shit.
-Tornados killed hundreds across the south, including former senate candidate Christine O’Donnell, who was killed by a house.
-Christine O’Donnell jokes stopped being relevant.
-The President of the United States showed his “long form birth certificate” because Donald Trump believes he was born in Kenya. (You need to pretend it’s 1995 and reread that in order to fully grasp the lunacy of that sentence.)
-Charlie Sheen got famous again for about seven minutes.
-Senator Kyle announced on the senate floor that abortions account for 90% of what Planned Parenthood does. And he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for those meddling… actual statistical facts.
-Congressman Paul Ryan introduced a budget designed like an Ikea bookshelf. You know it was too cheap to be any good, and there were definitely important pieces missing. Next time you’ll be smart and buy an actual piece of furniture.
-Somewhere in there we started bombing Libya.
-The price of oil has gone up, which really shouldn’t even qualify as news anymore.
-And, of course, Osama Bid Laden is dead… for some reason the people most excited about it are between the ages of 18 and 22 and were barely cognizant in a pre-9/11 world. America’s future is in good hands.
-Oh and the Knicks still suck.
-And yet the saddest and most surprising thing about the past six months is that, somehow, despite everything, the Black Eyed Peas are still famous. Seriously America? Seriously??
