May 11, 2011
HE TURNED ME INTO A NEWTLately Newt Gingrich has been on fire. Mostly in the pants region. Today In Pictures requested an interview with the republican primary candidate, but had to settle for the next best thing. Here is the unedited interview: Today In Pictures - First of all, Imaginary Newt Gingrich, I would like to thank you for taking the time to talk to me so that my one reader can hear about your position on the issues. Imaginary Newt - Any time. You and your reader are an important part of the fabric of america. TIP - I bet you say that to all the girls. Anyway, Newt, how do you feel about being named after a small lizard? iNewt - That’s a great question. Boy are you handsome. TIP - Thanks. You look weird. Lets talk about the issues. iNewt - Sure. TIP - A few years ago, when democrats were selling their healthcare plan to the country, you lead the call in claiming that this would “dismantle” medicare. At first I thought you must be pulling our legs, since you were the guy who back in the 90s tried to… dismantle health care. But apparently you were serious and I had to un-slap my knee - which can be a very painful process, not sure if you’ve ever done it - And now you are running on a plan to lower the deficit, based solely on… dismantling medicare & medicaid. So, to set the record straight, what are your positions on these programs? iNewt - Medicare and Medicaid are important to the fabric of this great nation of ours, which I love. I love it so much it made me cheat on my wife.** TIP - Wives. iNewt - Details. Anyway. Anyone can tell you that we are in a debt crises. Or at least anyone on TV. And this means that Medicare and Medicaid, although they’re great, are in big trouble. If we don’t act now, these programs are going to have to be cut. So my position is to start cutting these programs now, you know, so that we wont have to cut them later. So this way, in 2020, we wont have a Medicare and Medicaid crises, because we wont have them at all. It’s all very simple. TIP - Speaking of the debt crises, don’t you think that Republicans have put themselves in a precarious position as opponents of the national debt even though it was your party that turned the largest surplus into the largest deficit in the first place? iNewt - Look, good government is like a mime. Sometimes that mime gets stuck in a box, and so he sort of freaks out and needs to live within the means of that box. For example, this happens whenever a democrat is president. When a republican is president, however, we realize that the box doesn’t exist and we can go on doing whatever we want. That’s not hypocritical, that’s just the reality. TIP - The reality of the imaginary box. Got it. Speaking of hypocrites, weren’t you the guy who impeached president Clinton for cheating on his wife, and then was discovered to have cheated on his wife? iNewt - I impeached the president for lying. TIP - He only lied because you asked. iNewt - Well I asked because he was cheating on his wife. TIP - But so were you. iNewt - But I didn’t lie about it. TIP - Your wife knew you were cheating on her? iNewt - Of course not. But he lied to the American People. I just lied to an American Person. And maybe her sister. TIP - So you both cheated on your wives, you both lied about it, and you thought it was worth the time and money to launch into an enormous investigation that wrapped up Washington for a year? iNewt - That’s about right. TIP - Again, sort of strange coming from a guy who wants to reign in government spending. iNewt - Define strange. TIP - Come on Imaginary Newt, level with me. You are a scary old Washington insider with a messy personal life running against a handsome, young, charismatic and popular family man - does this sound like a movie you’ve seen before? iNewt - “Dave”? TIP - No. 2008. How are you different than John McCain? iNewt - John McCain was a bipartisan lawmaker with a solid record who eventually turned on his values and became a partisan shill. I have a legislative record that’s questionable at best, and I’ve always been a partisan shill. TIP - And a corporate shill. Don’t forget that. iNewt - Oh of course. How could I? TIP - Well, thanks for sitting down with me Imaginary Newt. I need to go have an imaginary threesome with imaginary Megan Fox and imaginary Hulk Hogan. iNewt - Why Hulk Hogan? TIP - Because he is a Real American Newt. He is a real American. **he actually said that.

HE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT
Lately Newt Gingrich has been on fire. Mostly in the pants region. Today In Pictures requested an interview with the republican primary candidate, but had to settle for the next best thing. Here is the unedited interview:

Today In Pictures - First of all, Imaginary Newt Gingrich, I would like to thank you for taking the time to talk to me so that my one reader can hear about your position on the issues.

Imaginary Newt - Any time. You and your reader are an important part of the fabric of america.

TIP - I bet you say that to all the girls. Anyway, Newt, how do you feel about being named after a small lizard?

iNewt - That’s a great question. Boy are you handsome.

TIP - Thanks. You look weird. Lets talk about the issues.

iNewt - Sure.

TIP - A few years ago, when democrats were selling their healthcare plan to the country, you lead the call in claiming that this would “dismantle” medicare. At first I thought you must be pulling our legs, since you were the guy who back in the 90s tried to… dismantle health care. But apparently you were serious and I had to un-slap my knee - which can be a very painful process, not sure if you’ve ever done it - And now you are running on a plan to lower the deficit, based solely on… dismantling medicare & medicaid. So, to set the record straight, what are your positions on these programs?

iNewt - Medicare and Medicaid are important to the fabric of this great nation of ours, which I love. I love it so much it made me cheat on my wife.**

TIP - Wives.

iNewt - Details. Anyway. Anyone can tell you that we are in a debt crises. Or at least anyone on TV. And this means that Medicare and Medicaid, although they’re great, are in big trouble. If we don’t act now, these programs are going to have to be cut. So my position is to start cutting these programs now, you know, so that we wont have to cut them later. So this way, in 2020, we wont have a Medicare and Medicaid crises, because we wont have them at all. It’s all very simple.

TIP - Speaking of the debt crises, don’t you think that Republicans have put themselves in a precarious position as opponents of the national debt even though it was your party that turned the largest surplus into the largest deficit in the first place?

iNewt - Look, good government is like a mime. Sometimes that mime gets stuck in a box, and so he sort of freaks out and needs to live within the means of that box. For example, this happens whenever a democrat is president. When a republican is president, however, we realize that the box doesn’t exist and we can go on doing whatever we want. That’s not hypocritical, that’s just the reality.

TIP - The reality of the imaginary box. Got it. Speaking of hypocrites, weren’t you the guy who impeached president Clinton for cheating on his wife, and then was discovered to have cheated on his wife?

iNewt - I impeached the president for lying.

TIP - He only lied because you asked.

iNewt - Well I asked because he was cheating on his wife.

TIP - But so were you.

iNewt - But I didn’t lie about it.

TIP - Your wife knew you were cheating on her?

iNewt - Of course not. But he lied to the American People. I just lied to an American Person. And maybe her sister.

TIP - So you both cheated on your wives, you both lied about it, and you thought it was worth the time and money to launch into an enormous investigation that wrapped up Washington for a year?

iNewt - That’s about right.

TIP - Again, sort of strange coming from a guy who wants to reign in government spending.

iNewt - Define strange.

TIP - Come on Imaginary Newt, level with me. You are a scary old Washington insider with a messy personal life running against a handsome, young, charismatic and popular family man - does this sound like a movie you’ve seen before?

iNewt - “Dave”?

TIP - No. 2008. How are you different than John McCain?

iNewt - John McCain was a bipartisan lawmaker with a solid record who eventually turned on his values and became a partisan shill. I have a legislative record that’s questionable at best, and I’ve always been a partisan shill.

TIP - And a corporate shill. Don’t forget that.

iNewt - Oh of course. How could I?

TIP - Well, thanks for sitting down with me Imaginary Newt. I need to go have an imaginary threesome with imaginary Megan Fox and imaginary Hulk Hogan.

iNewt - Why Hulk Hogan?

TIP - Because he is a Real American Newt. He is a real American.

**he actually said that.

5:18pm  |   URL: http://todayinpictures.tumblr.com/post/5399981971/he-turned-me-into-a-newt-lately-newt-gingrich-has
Comments (View)
blog comments powered by Disqus