MTA GIVES UP
“Fuck you, we’re done.” Says Chief.
After decades of mismanagement, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, operators of a small niche of New York City life known as “Busses” and “The Subway”, have called it quits on Tuesday, stating that after over a century of service, the massive transportation system is being scrapped in favor of a new system of “You know what? Figure it the fuck out.”
Jay Walder, chief executive of the MTA, pointed to a number of factors leading to this demise. “For one,” he said, “it’s too fucking big. We take five million of you mother fuckers every day. For twosies, it never sleeps. Which is just unnatural. For threesies, it’s never fucking good enough for you people, is it? It’s always, ‘oh this is too expensive’, or ‘oh my train is late’, do you have any idea how good you people have it? Back in my day we used to have to SIT IN TRAFFIC.” He then grabbed his genitals in the general direction of the public and said, “We’re done, this is over. Deal with it.”
Despite being an economic engine for the nation’s economic engine, the MTA has been in financial straights for years. Though unlike other public services, the New York City Transit system is not permitted to collect traditional taxes and does not regularly receive help from city or state taxpayers. This leads to what many economists have been calling a “clusterfuck”.
“It’s a clusterfuck,” said economist Willy Wonkish, “low-cost transportation drives this city’s least expensive workers toward Manhattan, if the MTA were able to collect fractions of pennies of corporate taxes, this wouldn’t be an issue. But they don’t, and so it is, and that’s why we’re throwing trains into the Hudson river.”
“I just worry about the bums,” said one concerned New Yorker. “Without trains, where are they going to defecate?”
Indeed, Homeless Defecation Freedom advocates are among those most concerned, along with the Crazy People Who Scream At Strangers Union and Guys Who Get Off By Rubbing Up Against Your Butt, and associated dry-cleaners.
