DICK CHENEY DECLARES WAR ON TORNADOS

WASHINGTON - In major policy speech delivered to his bathroom mirror, President-In-His-Sick-Decrepit-Brain Dick Cheney has outlined America’s stance to it’s newest most dangerousest threat yet.

“500 Americans have died so far this year by the hands of radical tornadoes who have no agenda other than to disrupt our way of life,” Mr. Cheney said into his toothbrush, approximating an echo sound as though in a stadium packed with adoring fans. “It is time that we stand up to these threats to our peace and security and freedom -eedom - eedom -eedom… and bring these lawless bastards to justice -ustice -ustice -ustice…”

Mr. Cheney then went on to outline a plan to spend several trillions of dollars for the next ten years to “disrupt and disturb tornado operations across the midwest,” and bomb random countries that have similar-looking but unrelated tornadoes, as well as a system of secret prisons and advanced interrogation techniques to identify, capture, and hold without evidence other dangerous weather patterns before they have a chance to cause the kind of damage that has ripped through America’s heartland.

“I saw an especially suspicious cloud formation the other day. It looked like it could have just been a PM Iso T-Storm, but you can never be too sure -ure -ure -ure.”

Stupid-face liberal pundits in Mr. Cheney’s brain have argued that his plan to risk more American lives and strain its alliances in order to destroy something that is, while incredibly dangerous, almost impossible to predict and perhaps an unavoidable feature of nature which we should simply construct better safety measures for at home. However Mr. Cheney countered these critics by smashing his head against the mirror until they exited his brain out of the blood-luge which formed out of his left ear.

“You’re either with us, or you’re a tornado sympathizer, in which case, get the hell out of my country,” he said in a follow-up interview in the bathtub while his nurse scrubbed beneath the ample flaps hanging off of his pasty speckled skin. “Also, we should probably invade Iraq again, for good measure -easure -easure…”