DEFYING ALL ODDS, LIFE GETS WORSE FOR NORTH KOREAN WOMEN’S SOCCER PLAYERS

DRESDEN, Germany - As though living an isolated military dictatorship that has been plagued by inflation, famine and oppression was not awful enough, the North Korean Women’s Soccer Team was knocked out of the Woman’s World Cup (see also: yes, they have that) 2-0 on Wednesday to the United States, proving once again to these poor women that life is a godless bullshit machine.

To try and imagine how miserable life must be in this famously secretive and repressive regime as a female athlete, would be an exorcize in morbid futility - which, coincidentally, is the name of the work-out regiment these women have been on ever since they were plucked from their homes before puberty and groomed for this exact moment - a moment in which failure was never presented as an option.

While young, pretty suburban white girls who had every little thing handed to them in life, dance around in jubilation, the North Korean team could only look at them with scorn, and wish that they could crawl into their Nike sport bags and be taken to America in order to avoid getting shot in the head on North Korean State Television.

“Life is just so good!!!” One of the star American athle-ettes said in a press conference after the game, after which she was awarded lucrative endorsement contracts from Nike™, Gatorade™, Disney World™, Chevrolet™ and Bags of Money™.

Meanwhile, in the North Korean locker room, there was stunned silence, as the small terrified women packed their Kim Jong Il Brand napsacks with their Kim Jong Il Apparel cleats, in preparation to board Kim Jong Il One to Kim Kong Il Airport, to return to their life of unimaginable sorrows.

Long live sport.