PAKISTANI MAN DOES NOT MAKE CHEER SQUAD

Also, a plane crashed

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - After a grueling tryout period for Pakistan’s illustrious national cheer team, the final list was posted outside the gymnasium doors between seventh and eighth period. Many men’s careers and chances at popularity were vindicated, while others, such as Mr. Hasan Schop, had no such luck.

“It is totally bullshit,” Mr. Schop said to the press after he discovered his name was not included on the list. “Amed Muhammad Muhammad made the list and he like fully sucks. He only got in because he got a nose job over spring break and now everybody thinks that he’s hot, but he’s so not. He’s just a dumb slut.”

Mr. Muhammad Muhammad was not available for comment.

In an unrelated story, a plane bound for Pakistan inexplicably crashed, killing all 152 on board. “Well that seals it,” Mr. Schop said, “worst day ever.”