AN OPEN LETTER TO RICK PERRY

Dearest Richard,

Big fan of your work. Particularly the laser-guided handguns that you use to murder coyotes. Although I’m not sure it’s a totally even stevens because (and I haven’t been to a zoo in a while Rick so I could be wrong) coyotes have yet to fully embrace laser technology. Maybe they’ll evolve it. More on that later.

Anyway, I saw you last night on the Republican debate (lower-case D because, c’mon) and I was wondering if you could answer a question for a regular old American voter like myself. I’ll make it multiple choice because I know you are busy.

Rick Perry Is ______

A. Crazy/Stupid
B. Stupid/Crazy
C. Actually a highly sophisticated robot built for destruction
D. Secretly in love with Michele Bachman (it was a dead giveaway when you pretended she wasn’t in the room last night, classic “too cool for school” Perry. Also, that could be your slogan because I’m fairly certain you are not educated… in fact… just so you know, you’re supposed to choose a letter that completes the sentence above… ask your proctor if you have questions.)


My question is stemmed from a few… (shall I call them “Troubling”? I don’t know, Rick, what do you think? Let’s stick with troubling.)…  troubling things you have said in the past that have lead me to the conclusion that you are one of either A, B, or C. Because we all know you’re D. …You dirty dog you…

One such quotation:
“If this guy [Ben Bernakie] prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treasonous in my opinion.”

…couple things…

By “printing more money” I assume you were referring to Quantitative Easing, a process which is the equivalent of lowering the interest rates, only remarkably less effective than, you know, lowering interest rates, which is, in a time of high unemployment and low inflation, kind of it’s job. And by less effective, I mean really quite ineffective. So it’s kind of like doing that thing that every other Fed Chief has ever done only doing it while also trying to tap his head and rub his belly while singing the Star Spangled Banner. I’d actually like to see Ben Bernakie do that.

But, okay, Master P, lets assume Ben Bernakie was “printing money” and dropping it out of helicopters… you would consider that treason. Really. You are aware of what “treason” actually means. If you can find a dictionary in Texas (ZING!), you should look it up some time. Because attempting to help a stagnant economy to grow sounds like the opposite of treason. What’s the opposite of treason, Rick? “A thing that you’re supposed to do”? I don’t have my book of antonyms handy but that sounds like a decent working assumption.

Seriously, are you crazy? What are you so afraid of? Wouldn’t more consumer demand be a good thing? Wouldn’t businesses borrowing at lower rates be a good thing when nobody wants to spend money on so much as a giant sticky trap to keep the foreclosure man from coming to their front door? You know, things people need?

Or are you stupid. Do you not understand what the economy, like, IS.

Maybe I can put it in terms you can understand:

The economy is a giant throbbing texas member. You with me? Cool.
And lately, that member has lost it’s raging housing-bubble hard-on and has now only managed like a 1/2 semi which, come on Rick, both you and I know doesn’t fuck the mustard. And no matter how much pornography private enterprise shoves in your filthy little face, no matter how hard Obama tries to stimulate you with his package, you still can’t fully get it on. There’s no use in denying it Rick. No use in saying “hang on baby just give me a few more seconds”, you need help. You need Cialis. I know you’re a proud man. But a little help doesn’t hurt. That’s where Benny Boy comes in. He’s your man with the little blue pill that is going to make it all OK until you can get through this rough patch and fuck all the dead coyotes or whatever you’re into you want. Not judging. We’re all friends here.

So don’t fight it, Rick, the economy needs help. We tried the no regulation and low taxes thing for, wait where’s my calendar…. here it is… 30 years. And look where it’s taken us. Limp-dicked and unsatisfied. Time to accept that it’s not that big a deal. It’s actually pretty conventional policy. It’s actually rather weak, ineffective policy. And we still have a much bigger dick than China. I’m mixing my metaphors, but you get the picture, Rick.

And not to linger on one Crazy/Stupid/Stupid/Crazy quote here, but in what way would that be Ben Bernakie playing politics? The man was appointed by George Bush (Hey, didn’t that guy used to live in your house! Small world!), and has pursued conventional, pretty timid policy over the past three years. Also. He doesn’t get elected. How does a guy who doesn’t get elected play politics? How does a guy who was appointed by a Republican play politics by helping the economy when a Democrat is president? I literally have no idea where you’re coming from here, Rick.

Which leaves me with the possibility that you are a highly sophisticated robot built for destruction. You certainly have the firearms and the shoulders for it. You have a clear strategy: be slightly less outwardly crazy than the crazy republicans, but act stupider than Romney or Huntsman. You got that sweet spot. And I commend you for it. But so pick C if that’s the answer, Rick, and I can go home and purchase a firearm and prepare myself for the impending collapse of civilization which is bound to happen when one of you people takes office and decides to cut all social services and we are reduced to the barter system and we’re at war with coyotes.

But there are lots of arguments for keeping you in the Crazy/Stupid camp.

I mean, you killed like a couple hundred people in Texas and said you don’t lose sleep over it. That’s pretty crazy. James Bond didn’t even kill that many Russians in Russia. And if he did he’d at least have a deep contemplative think over it. But it’s also borderline sophisticated-destruction-robot-behavior.

And yet, healthy Debate as this is, there are plenty of other reasons to believe you are more likely Stupid/Crazy.

I mean, for one, you believe that “the science is still out” on global warming. What are we waiting for Rick? Thermometers? We have the technology, Ricky boy. It’s hot in here, it’s not just you. So when you say things like: “The idea that we would put Americans’ economy at jeopardy based on scientific theory that’s not settled yet to me is just nonsense.” You sound, you know, Stupid/Crazy.

Not sure that creating an alternative fuel industry and a market-based system of incentives for companies to be environmentally responsible quite qualifies as putting “Americans’ economy at jeopardy [sic]”. Wait hang on a second I need to find my book of antonyms for the word “jeopardy”… never mind.
That that isn’t the stupidest/craziest thing in your sentence is an accomplishment of stupid/crazy proportions. Or wait, not “accomplishment”… there I go again.

Anyway. The stupidest/craziest/craziest/stupidest thing is that part about a “scientific theory that’s not settled yet.” This from a guy who also calls evolution just a “theory that’s out there.” You know, just some theory. Like the heliocentric model of the solar system or that we need oxygen to breathe. Where do you get your information about what a theory is? This isn’t like when you were ten and you had a theory that you could jump off the roof if you had a cape on and then discovered it was false. This is like the theory that you would fall and break your leg. That theory called gravity.

And in case you were curious, that theory changes too, like when Einstein discovered that gravity is actually a bend in space-time and not just two objects arbitrarily attracted to each other (try and stay with me Rick, almost done) just like how in evolution and climate sometimes scientists change their minds about the specifics of it in light of evidence. It doesn’t mean you don’t break your leg if you jump off the roof and it doesn’t mean that you didn’t descend from a monkey and doesn’t mean that the world is not getting hotter and we’re not doing it.

And the CRAZIEST thing is when you said “Galileo got outvoted for a spell.”
No, actually, he didn’t. He got excommunicated because the established order did not have room for his science… sound familiar, Rick? You’re not Galileo in this scenario where you have the actual truths of the universe and the rest of the world is just wandering around with their thumbs up their asses, you’re one of the Crazy/Stupid religious nutbags who found Galileo in his house while he was playing with his telescope and put him in front of the Pope and said: “YOUR HOLINESS THIS MAN IS MAKING MY BRAINS HURT!”

It’s crazy that somebody so stupid can be so legitimately close to becoming the president of the most powerful and wealthy nation in the history of mankind. I can not have such a low regard for my fellow man. And that is why you must be a sophisticated evil robot.

Good luck with that,
Michael

PS. I’m naked. Deal with it.